Week 1, Day 1 - The Beginning

Late last night (or was it early this morning?) I felt a shift in me. Over the last year, I've put on about fifteen pounds. I've neglected to exercise, and I fell into a somewhat quasi-deep depression. Nothing good happened in 2011, and the beginning of 2012, while looking better, is not wholly sensational either.

Late last night (or was it early this morning?) I felt a shift in me. My life is writing. I'm an unrepresented fledgling author trying to break into the publishing business. I write YA. I haven't been able to write anything sensational for the past year. I'm dumpy, grumpy, and unimaginative. My writings circle through the same plots and stereotypes. I realized last night, looking over my writing, I needed a change.

Late last night (or was it early this morning?) I felt a shift in me.

I want a change.

I've always wanted to do something for myself---because the last time I lost weight, I did it for a boy who didn't look twice at me even when I was anemic and weighed 112lbs. So this time, I want to do this for myself. The right way.

Today I'll be starting the Couch 2 5k program. I've gotten 4 hours of sleep (maybe), and I'm fed up with looking unhealthy and feeling unhealthy. I want to do this for myself, and prove to myself that I'm worth it.

Eight weeks, here I come.

50 out of 366

I'm having problems now. Anxiety issues. Last weekend, the dam just broke and I sobbed and sobbed in hysterics. I couldn't stop. Ever since then my head's been in my throat and I haven't been able to breathe or take a good breathe, and I've been dizzy and disoriented.

I went to the doctor and she prescribed me Wellbutrin. I was all panicy the first few days I was on it. Rapid heartbeat, chest pains, ect. So I'm debating whether or not to take it today. I probably should, just to stick it out a week. Things might get better.

Or they might get worse.

10 of 366

As I was rushing for the elevator yesterday, I saw him get on. It was the back of his head, and then he turned around. I paused, hesitated, but I was already running late. If I'd only taken the road that I always took to the parking garage then I would've never had to see him. If I'd just been on time. Two minutes earlier.

Then I wouldn't have to board an elevator with him and ride it all the way up to the third floor (fourth, actually, because G is the first floor). He didn't even look at me. He didn't pause. He just... kept staring ahead of him.

He'd cut his hair shorter. He'd even shaved, I think. Three bodies separated us, but it felt like miles---the length of the Atlantic Ocean.

A part of me wished, for a moment, that he would turn and say over the three bodies, "Hi Quick! How are ya?"

But he wouldn't. I knew he wouldn't. So I stared ahead of me as well, because he wasn't going to return any sort of wave or hello. I was invisible now, a fly on the wall, and nothing could bridge that Atlantic-sized gap.

---------

Today I found out that I am very personable. Which is a good thing. I like being personable because it gives me a reason to be nice, and bubbly, even when I'm definitely not. I hate this. I want to leave.

Please, let graduation come soon.

5 of 366

It took five days into the new year to look at his facebook profile. Which I only did after looking at Beardman's. I couldn't help it. I just did, and he has a new photo up, and god from one angle he looks so repulsive but then from that one...

I wish he didn't hate me.

I wish we were still friends.

I wish that he believed, as much as I did, that there could have been so much more.

Mom said I'd have a hole from where he was for a long time, and she's right. I'm going to miss him for a while yet. It's going to take more than a Thanksgiving fling, or a summer romance, to get rid of the residue he's left behind. It'll take more than busying myself, deleting his number, moving on, to forget about him at all.

I wish things were a lot easier. I wish I could erase him from me, so that I may have a spotless mind. And not the land-mine that it is today.

2 of 366

Today, I went shopping for bras... and bought a book instead.

An Unexpected Email from my Past Self that Might've Come Through the Twilight Zone

Today, I received an email from futureme.org. I'd forgotten that I even wrote this. It just showed up in my inbox a few minutes ago, a letter from myself ten months ago.

It's sort of surreal, to be quite honest.

___________________________________________

You are stronger than you think. You have found that you are the type of person who is a mediator, who walks her own path and yet who follows when there is an easier walkway. You have sobbed uncontrollably over Wes, and you know that you should never have.

Maybe by now you two have forgiven each other. Maybe you two never will. It doesn't mean life is over. Things are just beginning.

We both know this.

So just snuggle up to your Pepper, and remember that even when things seem the bleakest, they're not. You have yourself, and that's really all you need.

Congratulations, you have survived the year after the Unrequited Five.

___________________________________________

Thank you, past me. Really, thank you.

Chapter 2012